"If I hear one more person complain about slow play I’m going to punch ‘em in the nose and look at their face as they try to figure out how, and what just happened."

Thanks to Ryan Ballengee for noticing TheGolfChannel.com lowering the bar with Michael Collins' "Caddie Corner" groaner of a column:

The Darwinesque lede: 

Yes, we’re slow; do you work for a chance at 9 million bucks a week? No? Then shut up.

If I hear one more person complain about slow play I’m going to punch ‘em in the nose and look at their face as they try to figure out how, and what just happened.

I think that was supposed to be funny. Either way, Collins announces for XM Radio's PGA Tour coverage and shares this wonderful anecdote:

Last week at THE PLAYERS I’m on the fifth hole waiting by the green for Tom Lehman and Greg Kraft to putt out so I can call the shots of Phil Mickelson and Bernhard Langer when this “Goober” in a NASCAR hat, dirty t-shirt, and 13 teeth says to me, “These guys are too damned slow. Look at this Bill Shaft guy (he meant Greg Kraft), he’s backed off this putt twice already and it’s only 4 feet.”

I patiently waited for Greg to drain his putt (nice par save); he did back off four times, before I turned back to “Goober” and said, “Yeah, I bet you’d be much faster than these guys out there if you were playing.”
 
“Hey man, they’re professionals!” He said back getting extremely defensive and for good reason, I’m a scary looking dude…or not.
 
“Exactly,” I explained. “So if it takes the best players in the world five-and-a-half hours to play a course with 35 mph winds and greens you couldn’t hit, more or less putt, maybe you should respect the fact that for 9.5 million they’re here giving it their all while you’re in THAT hat and t-shirt drinking a beer complaining. What do you do for a living?”

That's the way to build that satellite radio listening audience! 

Update on Monday, May 19, 2008 at 09:51 AM by Geoff

Bob Carney posts a reader letter in response to Jaime Diaz's recent slow play column that probably gives way too much credit to the players, but nonetheless ads one more reason why there may be less incentive for the PGA Tour's finest to speed up.

Comments

[cbo]

Michael Collins is the reason that I don't listen to XM146. Love golf and love my satellite radio, but I can't listen to that man's poor attempts at humor, ridiculous hyping and false enthusiasm. The day they get rid of him will be the day that I start listening to the PGA Tour on the radio.

[thusgone]

i love the notion that the fans should be precluded from commenting on the pace of play lest they be battered by one of the media "experts."

fans should just pay their money, patronize the sponsors/corporate partners and shut up about what they get in return. this attitude is the essence of a good marketing/branding strategy, i think.

[Joe]

That's what Michael Collins looks like?

[dbh]

When yesterday's broadcast started, the leaders were through 9. Knowing it was tape delayed I thought, 'Must be a 3 hole playoff or something'. I mean, how long could it possibly take to play nine holes? Over 3 interminable hours, the field played 9 (10 counting the playoff) holes of singularly uninspired golf.

Channel hopping over that stretch, I saw the Penguins romp over the Flyers in a fast paced game that had close chances every minute or so...LeBron James and Paul Pierce shoot the lights out...

That's the competition for my attention and it's looking better by the minute. I'm a diehard golf fan, but the sleepwalking pace of today's Tour is wearing me out. The only final round I've stayed awake throughout was the Players.

[Bench]

"Yes, we’re slow; do you work for a chance at 9 million bucks a week? No? Then shut up."

Will you continue to work for a chance at 9 million bucks a week if you continue to be this slow? No? Then shut up and play faster.

Seriously, do these folks understand where the money is coming from? Do they think it grows on palmetto trees?

[thusgone]

dbh: i watched the entire broadcast, and i swear the delay was mostly due to parker mclaughlin. i swear this kid could teach bernhard langer a thing or two about dithering.

[Pete the Luddite]

Hope there's a lot of joking going on here. Was the pace unbearably slow? Probably, but I don't know as I was out trying to get in 18 before the rains came. (We got in 10 holes in under 2 hours at my home course in NC with nary a problem before Mother Nature sent us scurrying to the bar.)

The pros teed off early on Sunday, with 3somes off front and back, to beat out the weather. Still wayyyyy too slow, if the times I'm reading about are correct.

Ultimately, I agree with cbo, up at the top of this thread. Shouters like Collins or the Barf and Gargle, I mean Bomb and Gouge, folks will always be around no matter the sport. It's our responsibility to decide to whom we will listen.

Here's a fun quiz: Collins or Johnny Grainhead? Who would you rather hear if faced with an either/or? Note: Sticking a screwdriver into your brain is not a valid third option. :)

[Steven T.]

The last penalty given for slow play on the PGA Tour was 16 years ago!!!!

Should they(Ponte Vedre) bite the hand that feeds them?

[Glyn]

Let me put it this way: I don't like PLAYING golf slowly, what makes anyone think I want to watch OTHER people play it slowly? Fine, keep playing slow and like Bench says above, they won't be playing for 9 million for long.

[ScottS]

So... millions of dollars for whacking a ball around a lawn. Sounds right up there with brain surgery for the amount of time and care needed to... wait, who does this help?

These guys are forgetting they are there to entertain, and when they no longer entertain, they're done.

[Jeremy Rudock]

I've said this before and I'll say it again...the slow play issue starts at the top. Tiger is one of the 10 worst offenders on tour and sets a miserable example for newcomers to the game who watch him on TV. Nicklaus was the same way.

[DPatterson]

Jeremy,
I disagree with you. I am a Tiger fan, and a golf fan in general, but I don't find myself emulating the pros when I play.

Slow play comes from players acting in their own self-interest. You can observe this with pros and with hackers. At your local course, the ranger should enforce pace of play. At the tour level, tour officials should do the enforcing.

[Jeremy Rudock]

Your self perceived pace of play does nothing to disprove my point that Tiger is at the forefront of slow players on the PGA Tour.

[Traveler]

Borrowing liberally from Bill James' ideas on baseball...yes, playing slowly and deliberately helps a pro do better (probably) and increases his chances of winning the $9M. Of course, ALL the pros do it, so nobody gets any relative advantage, and the fans are stuck watching the paint dry. Slow play overall accomplishes nothing, relatively speaking, for the players. It's also been mentioned that golf doesn't have a clock, and we police ourselves with respect to the rules, etc. Well, I can guarantee you that if the original rulesmakers had thought some SOB was going to back off a 4 foot putt 5 times and take 6 hours to play - as a professional, in a TWOSOME - they'd have immediately made rules and penalties for slow play.

However, as for the fan appeal issue - 'you gotta speed up, because the fans hate slow play, and the fans pay the bills' - I'm not sure. As long as the corporate ad money and the other PGA Tour revenue streams keep flowing, there's little incentive to worry about the sensibilities of avid TV viewers.

[Scott]

Mike Collins worked for me in La Crosse,WI back a few years. I can say that he is one of the nicest guys you could ever meet and dam funny. Great job Mike keep up the good work.
Scott
Northland Golf And Ski