Those are just two of the many stunning and profound revelations in Gerald Posner's laugh-out-loud  disaster of a story on the dark side of the PGA Tour. Excuse me, the "PGA" as he erroneously calls it.

This is the same reporter whose insights into the Woods' pre-nup renegotiations have been widely reported as fact:

As with the NBA, NFL and Major League Baseball, golfers like Daly log a lot of time on the road, away from families, ensconced in deluxe hotel suites. A top golfer might do up to 20 one-week tournaments a year.

Who knew? Do they play home games too?

Caddies frequently pull the prettiest girls out of the autograph line, often offering a private chat with the pro. The caddy then often serves as the go-between. Players never give out their telephone number or contact information, instead leaning on the caddy as a trusted arranger. It partly explains why some caddies get paid so well—often, with a percentage of the winnings—to carry a bag and judge breaks on the green. For instance, Steve Williams, who is Tiger’s caddy, has been with him since 1999; Tiger even attended Williams’ 2005 wedding.

Imagine that! Letting a looper rub elbows with a higher class of people. Anything for your pimp would be the message?

“You’d be surprised if you check the bios of all the pros,” one caddie tells me, “how many say they met their wife at this or that tournament.” That doesn’t mean that every wife who met her pro golfing husband at a tournament was a groupie, but it’s another sign of how much social and extracurricular life is part of the pro tour.

Frankly, I don't know if I can ever look at the PGA Tour the same way ever again. I thought they were all in bed by 9!

My sources said that clubhouses sometimes resembled frat houses, with golfers exchanging graphic stories of the previous night’s escapades. Players talk about “the 19th hole,” or dub a girl willing to have anal sex a “double bogey.” A “water hole” is anyone who performs only oral sex.

Okay. Now that I hadn't heard before.