Reilly: "The USGA called the Secret Service on that one."

Rick Reilly files a splendid post-Sectionals qualifying column about responses the USGA has received over the years after dispatching letters to those who did not play to their 1.4 handicap, or anywhere remotely close to one's number.

One guy wrote, "The reason I played poorly was the night before my wife took my clubs, so I had to go to the neighbor and borrow some. That (expletive) really knew how to hurt me."

Another man explained, "The color of the greens bothered me. I just never played on that color of green before."

One golfer said that he'd recently uncovered "incriminating" evidence that Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan and Stephen King had plotted to assassinate John Lennon and that FBI agents were "hiding behind every bush and tree" as he played.

The USGA called the Secret Service on that one.

Comments

[No Longer Used to be Former S&T Convert]

Tis a sad moment in the round when "the letter" enters your brain. You realize that if you don't stop the bleeding, there could be a letter in your future......as if things weren't going bad enough already.

I once played the last six 1 under to break 80 in a Mid Am qualy, "the letter" was waiting for me on the 13th tee after a quad on 12 and followed me to the house......

[KLG]

Reading some of those excuses I'm reminded of the crack, "You can't make anything foolproof because fools are so damned ingenious."

Once thought I might get a letter, too. But a former big-time USGA presence/member of ANGC came in with Gene Washington's jersey number, too. Whew... And then there were the 7-8 golfers who WD'd/NC'd at the turn because they needed a calculator (Does the USGA write them a letter?). My "excuse" was the GM of this particular course was bragging about how they had their new Tif-something-or-other greens at 14 on the Stimp. Problem was, when they replaced the old, coarse, grainy Bermuda they forgot to flatten anything out. It was not fun. And the GM with the low single-digit handicap? He posted a nice, round 80-something, too, after tearing the place up the day before while playing with said USGA/ANGC member. There is a God.

[jjshaka]

Wonder if the conspiracy guy is the same one I see in my city - he drives around in a van covered with flyers that Stephen King IS Mark David Chapman.

[The O]

Presumably they don't send a letter if you choke sectionals paired with a long hitting touring pro after successfully making it through locals. I guess that's relative.

I too felt I was in letter territory once in Mid-Am land. But a 2 under back after an opening 44 kept me letter free, but nowhere near making it. The funy part was that we had gone off the back and they wrote my 34 down first, to an audible gasp in the scoring room. If only they knew I spent the first two hours wandering the tree line and environmental areas.

[Robert Matre]

I received one of those letters a few years back. I simply replied that it was a tough course and I played poorly and that the USGA can't brag about the thousands of entries to their various National Championships without players like myself padding the numbers. Apparently they were satisfied with my response and I remained in their good graces, and eventually made it to the U.S. Open...not as a player, but as a member of the USGA photography. Pretty sure I'll never get one of those letters again, seeing as how my handicap isn't even low enough to gain entry in to a qualifier.

[TXQ]

I prefer the Shemp version of this story.

[DTF]

My guy shot 69-80 in the stroke play portion of the US Am at Champions....went from the interview room day 1, to slamming the trunk day 2. I guess if you shoot a 69 prior to the 80 you're all good?

[Kevin part deux]

DTF, no letter for poor play in the event itself. Letters are for the prospective qualifiers.

[DTF]

I understand Kev, was just joking there...

Speaking of rounds in the 80's, there were 16 at Memorial including 4 on Sunday.

How many will we see at Olympic? (32?)

Will Rory add to his already impressive total of rounds in the 80's at a major?!?!? (I say yes)

;-)