Matthew Win Provides Much Needed Lift For Downtrodden Heterosexual White People

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As Mark Reason noted in his round three game Women's Open Championship story, these are tough times for long-discrimated-against, fair-skinned folks of the world who've been pushed aside by ambitious, predatory young Asian women of great golfing skill.

Yet eleven weeks removed from giving birth, Scotland's Catriona Matthew held off the same Kurosawa-film extras killing LPGA Tour golf that Reason warned about, capturing the Ricoh Women's Open Championship. No mention in today's story about non-King's-English speaking menaces who have "taken over" the LPGA.

On a serious note, Susan Smith and Elpseth Burnside tell her amazing story, including a reminder that her husband/caddie was injured just last week in the Evian Masters hotel fire.

The Scot had her husband, who is also her caddie, at her side as she picked up her the tournament trophy and a first prize of £197,000 last night.

"I really can't believe it," she said. "I had a tear in my eye there coming up the last and I'm overcome by it all.

"It was always an aim to win a major and the British Open was the one for me. You wonder if your chances are running out but I'm just absolutely delighted."

"MARKETING IS THE BOSS"

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Via ESPN.com's E60, we learn Anna Rawson's prescriptions for healing the LPGA Tour. These almost make you feel sorry for Carolyn Bivens. Almost:

Every player should tee off to her favorite song at the beginning of the tournament and have it played again when she approaches the 18th green. Major League Baseball teams play music as batters approach the plate and it's great. Fans connect with players for their music and it builds anticipation. I don't think our golfers would have a problem with this because nowadays who doesn't practice with their iPod on?

Exactly. Your ipod is on and only you can hear it. Just the way most of us like it.

Plus, it would help me on the tee; the forced quiet is nerve-racking, so hearing music will help break the tension.

Well at least she's thinking big picture here and not about herself.

For each tournament, I would have a fashion designer create a piece of clothing or accessory for the trophy ceremony. For the LPGA Championship, we could have a jacket specially made by Donna Karan. For the Kraft Nabisco, a gown designed by Vera Wang. For the P&G Northwest Arkansas Championship, CoverGirl could give the winner a makeover before the presentation. Whether the designer item is a gown, jacket, skirt or piece of jewelry, after signing her scorecard the winner would be taken to hair and makeup (cover that white forehead!) and fitted by a tailor for the ceremony (with the last six groups in the final round pre-fitted the night before so the size would be ready).

Okay that's not so bad actually. But I think we may be aiming high with Vera and Donna. May have to settle for Marty Hackel or the Golfweek blonds.

4. MARKETING IS THE BOSS

Oh boy....

Until further notice, all decisions should be made from a marketing perspective. That idea might sound crazy to some, but I say let's have that discussion when LPGA players reach the point where they can be accused of being over-marketed, overpaid or over-exposed.

I thought they just fired the last Commissioner in part for emphasizing marketing over golf?

5. READY FOR OUR CLOSE-UP

Every group should be miked up and followed by its own camera crew, not a hard or expensive thing to do in this era of cheap, portable devices that can send images and audio around the globe in an instant.

No problema! The networks will agree that's not hard nor expensive. It's merely impossible!