"If I hear one more person complain about slow play I’m going to punch ‘em in the nose and look at their face as they try to figure out how, and what just happened."

Thanks to Ryan Ballengee for noticing TheGolfChannel.com lowering the bar with Michael Collins' "Caddie Corner" groaner of a column:

The Darwinesque lede: 

Yes, we’re slow; do you work for a chance at 9 million bucks a week? No? Then shut up.

If I hear one more person complain about slow play I’m going to punch ‘em in the nose and look at their face as they try to figure out how, and what just happened.

I think that was supposed to be funny. Either way, Collins announces for XM Radio's PGA Tour coverage and shares this wonderful anecdote:

Last week at THE PLAYERS I’m on the fifth hole waiting by the green for Tom Lehman and Greg Kraft to putt out so I can call the shots of Phil Mickelson and Bernhard Langer when this “Goober” in a NASCAR hat, dirty t-shirt, and 13 teeth says to me, “These guys are too damned slow. Look at this Bill Shaft guy (he meant Greg Kraft), he’s backed off this putt twice already and it’s only 4 feet.”

I patiently waited for Greg to drain his putt (nice par save); he did back off four times, before I turned back to “Goober” and said, “Yeah, I bet you’d be much faster than these guys out there if you were playing.”
 
“Hey man, they’re professionals!” He said back getting extremely defensive and for good reason, I’m a scary looking dude…or not.
 
“Exactly,” I explained. “So if it takes the best players in the world five-and-a-half hours to play a course with 35 mph winds and greens you couldn’t hit, more or less putt, maybe you should respect the fact that for 9.5 million they’re here giving it their all while you’re in THAT hat and t-shirt drinking a beer complaining. What do you do for a living?”

That's the way to build that satellite radio listening audience! 

Update on 2008-05-19 16:53 by Geoff

Bob Carney posts a reader letter in response to Jaime Diaz's recent slow play column that probably gives way too much credit to the players, but nonetheless ads one more reason why there may be less incentive for the PGA Tour's finest to speed up.

A Slow Play Penalty!

After hearing how horribly slow the NCAA regionals were last week, I was interested to see the Jeff Shain story reader Brian sent with the appropriate question wondering if this was the start of a trend.

Shain was reporting on the U.S. Open local qualifying at The Club at Emerald Hills where a playoff determined the final advancing spots. 

Ty Tryon, who has fallen on tough times since earning his PGA Tour card at age 17, was one of two golfers to miss the playoff when their group was penalized for slow play. He and Miami's Milko Brito saw their 75s turned into 76s.

''We played as fast as we could. We never even saw the group behind us, either,'' Tryon said. ``Whatever. It's over now.''

Does anyone know what slow play guidelines they would have been playing under? Was the USGA Pace of Play policy instituted for local qualifyings?

Monty Wants Crackdown On Slow Play

From an unbylined golf365.com story:

"Five hours is an hour too long. There's no reason why we can't get round any course anywhere in the world in any conditions in four.

"The deterrents have got to be tougher - that works in any walk of life. If there is a serious one it's amazing how quick it could be.

"I think we are all working together on it and it's a matter of trying to get it all together and try to make it fair for everybody."

It was only two weeks that Montgomerie was on the same subject and he commented then: "I'm a quick player and there's no doubt that the slow play of others has hurt me over the years."

The Final Round Of The Players Took...

...how long? I've been told by a few people it was 4 hours, 40 minutes. The last pairing teed off at 2:30 according to PGATour.com and Paul Goydos missed his par putt on 18 at 7:10. 

But to confirm, I thought this pretty relevant statistic would be mentioned in a game story. I've searched them here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here. No luck. Plenty of mentions of 40 m.p.h. winds, but no mention of an equally important stat noting that the grueling round took an hour longer than a normal PGA Tour twosomes round.

Isn't that kind of important to know, particularly with all of the recent slow play talk?

"They don’t ever assess (stroke) penalties and the fining thing, it takes four or five months before you get one 20 grand fine."

Andrew Both on slow play:

As anyone who has attended a tournament lately will attest, it is almost painful watching a professional tournament on site.

Ouch. Nice to see this theme picking up steam rapidly, eh?

Both also shares this from Matthew Goggin:

“It’s brutal,” Goggin said. “Slow players can affect fast players but fast players don’t affect slow players. Fast players just have to deal with it.

“Slow players can torture everyone in the group by not letting anyone get into a rhythm, either their playing partners or the three or four groups behind them. We’re all sick of slow players, we all know who they are.”

There have been several suggestions as to how to speed up play, including smaller fields and easier hole locations, but the biggest problem may be that the penalty for slow play on tour is so small.

“They don’t ever assess (stroke) penalties and the fining thing, it takes four or five months before you get one 20 grand fine,” Goggin said.

"I got amped after watching Cirbie Sheppard, a competitor on Golf Channel's 'Big Break Kaanapali'"

Golf World's Jaime Diaz notes the "mini-spike" in slow play outrage and summarizes in succinct fashion the many issues the golf world faces if it hopes to confront the issue. More disturbing than the slow play is what got Jaime fired up:

David Toms, Boo Weekley and even Tiger Woods all have sounded off. So did R&A chief executive Peter Dawson. Personally, I got amped after watching Cirbie Sheppard, a competitor on Golf Channel's "Big Break Kaanapali," haplessly indulge in a reported seven minutes (the ordeal was shown in fast motion) of pacing, club changing and general dithering before getting herself to hit a simple chip shot.

One of, if not the most esteemed writer in the game today watching the Big Break Kaanapali?

It's one thing to watch it Jaime, but to admit it in print is a cause for concern! 

"I was pretty surprised."

Buried in Jim Gorant's weekly roundup for SI Golf Plus:

A players' meeting was held last week at Wachovia, and conversation on two topics became animated and went on for more than a half hour each: slow play, a perennial problem; and near-unanimous criticism of Golf Channel commentator Kelly Tilghman. Said one player in attendance who asked not to be identified, "I was pretty surprised."

"But it is clear that, like the rest of us, the St Andrews-based governing body has had enough."

I finally had a chance to look over the press accounts of Peter Dawson's press conferences. Dawson offered something unprecedented in the history of golf's governing bodies: outlining architectural revisions to world class courses, all ideas of the R&A.

Knowing that anything architecture and nuanced is tough for the slingers to get their arms around, I was not surprised to read that they ran with the spin that R&A was not excessively lengthening rota courses. Nor was I expecting to find serious stories questioning the absurd notion of changing golf courses just so the R&A doesn't have to regulate equipment in any meaningful way.

I was, however, shocked to read that the R&A is on a mission to speed up play!

Dawson answered a simple question about slow play and a series of follow ups, eventually revealing that the topic had been added to the docket next time golf's suits convene to assure each other that golf in the Olympics will grow the sport and to pat each other on the back for working together on drug testing (which many of them resisted).

Check out the rave reviews for the R&A apparent determination to rid the game of slow play.

James Corrigan in the Independent:

Having watched in despair - not to mention boredom - as the final two-ball took five hours, 10 minutes to complete the final round of the Masters earlier this month, the R&A realised something must be done about what Peter Dawson, their chief executive, agreed was rapidly turning into “a cancer in golf“.

Douglas Lowe in the Herald:

The R&A have now placed slow play on the agenda for the meeting of the World Golf Foundation immediately after the Players' Championship next month in Florida. The foundation, comprising key power brokers in the game, was set up 14 years ago to help growth of the game while preserving traditions.

Iain Carter writing for the BBC:

And it is clear the R&A will be following a similar path as it sets about dealing with the biggest evil in the game at the moment, slow play.

But it is clear that, like the rest of us, the St Andrews-based governing body has had enough.

Had enough? He answered a question!

Richard Williamson in the Liverpool Daily Post:

The R&A is also keen to help cut down on the problem of slow play in the sport.

Speaking at Royal Birkdale, venue for this summer's Open Championship, Dawson urged a worldwide crackdown on the snails who are making golf less attractive and driving people away from the sport.

It's touching to read these breathless accounts of a topic that only came up after tough questioning. It's also odd to find that not one of the writers considered that just possibly the R&A and USGA's lax work on equipment regulation might have led to changes in the game that force the redesign of courses, or dare I say, play to slow down because players are waiting for greens to clear.

But slow players need not worry. If the R&A is on the case, you can bet any significant proposals will be tabled for years to come. 

"The last time the Open Championship was here at Birkdale was ten years ago in 1998, and as we know, the game has moved on somewhat since then"

Yesterday we learned that R&A chief spinster Peter Dawson was proud of the organization's revamping of 2009 Open host Turnberry. Tuesday the governing body of golf outside North American proudly announced  changes to 16 out of 18 holes at 2008 Open host Royal Birkdale, including a narrowing of many landing areas.

Hey, it never gets windy over there, you can tighten those babies all day long and no one will notice!

Tuesday Dawson sat down for two press conferences to further discuss the changes and other issues in the game. The only thing more astonishing than his answers was the lack of one decent follow up question asking why the R&A is going around to nearly all of its rota courses and making changes! So much for the demanding British press.

Here's Dawson's joint press conference with Michael Brown and David Hill, where you better get a cart because he's going through all 18 changes. Who knew the R&A was in the architecture business?

None of the alterations is apparently more offensive than Birkdale's new 17th green, which sounds like a disaster if even the lowly scribblers in attendance were astounded by its hideous nature.

Now, this green I quite understand has caused a little bit of controversy. Many of you made comments on it yesterday, and we do fully understand those comments. Let me say a few things about it. It is a par-5, so it's not as if we're expecting the green to be hit at with long irons. The type of green it is is a green that the pros are accustomed to on many golf courses they play at. If you look at Augusta a couple weeks ago, there's probably 18 more sporty greens there than this one. But we are aware that it's a green that could get away from us if we're not careful, and we will be using conservative pin positions and taking great care with the green speed. If we weren't aware of that, we could get into trouble, but we are and we won't. We will be monitoring how this green performs during the Championship to see if anything needs to be done to it in the future. So we're aware it's controversial. We'll have to see how it goes.

And we know how well that attitude worked for the USGA.

Clearly Dawson came prepared for the writers to ask how they can justify emasculating courses instead of doing something about equipment advances. And since questioning the disturbing nature of narrowing courses might require thought, Dawson was able to slip this in.

Overall we've increased the length of the golf course by only 155 yards, which is 2 per cent. Instead of hitting it 100 yards you've got to hit it 102, so the length addition is not that significant.

Now, you'd think that just maybe someone would say, hey, isn't narrowing, lengthening and tricking up courses going to make rounds take longer? Some questions almost got there:

Q. We had a situation at The Masters this year where Trevor Immelman and Brandt Snedeker took five hours to play in a two-ball in the final round. I believe that Adam Scott's group on Sunday was three hours for nine holes. Obviously slow play is the cancer on the game. How do we get players to move quicker around the golf course?

PETER DAWSON: I think we will certainly be aiming to do better than five hours and ten minutes. I think in recent times, particularly on the weekend, we've actually done quite well at the Open. Basic play has not really been an issue, and I'm quite confident that we can do an awful lot better than that.

Q. It's not an issue at the Open perhaps but it is an issue generally. It is getting abysmal. I'm wondering with the R & A as a governing body, how do we get them to get a move-on?

PETER DAWSON: We are concerned about this. We did see some very slow play at The Masters. That's not a criticism of the Augusta event, it just happened to happen.

 He acts like it's an isolated incident!

I wasn't aware of the Adam Scott group statistic. But we do have a meeting coming up in two or three weeks of the World Golf Foundation, where everyone around the table who runs professional golf will be there, and we have put the subject on the agenda, and we hope we will be able to get some meeting of the minds that it is a problem and start to work towards some improvement.

But as you say, it certainly needs something doing about it, not just for the running of these events but for the effect it has on grass-roots play. We do see people not unnaturally copying the stars, and I think it has had an effect on pace of play generally. We all know, don't we, that pace of play is one of the issues cited for participation, and the time that golf takes is an issue that's been cited for keeping participation levels down. It's clearly an issue right across the game, top to bottom, up and down the game, and I think it behooves all the governing bodies in golf to address it.

Yes, let's narrow, lengthen and toughen courses. That sets a wonderful example and really helps speed things up!

And after a few dull questions...

Q. When you say you're looking for a meeting of minds, what is the R & A's view on what can be done?

PETER DAWSON: I think at a professional level it's like drugs. It's a 52-week-a-year occupation, and I do think that ways need to be found to, one, educate players to encourage them, and as a last resort penalise them if they don't respond. We're not seeing any slow play penalties in the game, and that's the last thing we want to see is players being penalised, but unless there's a realistic threat of it, it's hard to see that this would improve.

Well he's right about that.

Here's the one question related to the remarkable number of changes to a course that most thought was already pretty darn good.

Q. The question I was going to ask, which I am going to ask, have you made as many changes to Open courses, to other Open courses, as you have to this one? You described 16 of the 18, which seems to me to be quite a lot.

PETER DAWSON: Well, it is, of course. Many of the changes, if you do it as a whole count, are quite minor. A number are more significant.

We've been going through a programme at all our Open venues by agreement with the clubs and the hosts of some quite significant changes. You're going to see a good deal at Turnberry next year, and you'll probably see quite a few at Livermore in 2012. Royal St. Georges we have, as well, but this is among the more significant in terms of quantum.

And why are these time test venues in need of so many "significant" changes?

I think I know why I don't get invited to their conference calls anymore.

Speaking of that, the conference call produced the killer quote of the day...

Q. My question has to deal with the course setup for the Open. As you know, there was a bit of consternation at The Masters as to how things played out the last couple years, and these questions always come up at the U.S. Open. I'm just curious your philosophy on how you like the course to play when the tournament begins in July.

PETER DAWSON: Well, the last time the Open Championship was here at Birkdale was ten years ago in 1998, and as we know, the game has moved on somewhat since then, and we have made a considerable number of course alterations here at Birkdale. Only two holes have had nothing done to them. The majority of holes, the alterations have been all about repositioning bunkers and run-off areas around the greens, but five holes have been significantly altered. And overall, the length of the golf course has gone up by 155 yards, which is only 2 percent of an increase. So the player length for this year's Championship will be 7,173 yards, but most of the changes have been designed to be strategic or requiring more accuracy from the players.

The game has moved on somewhat since then. Somewhat.

"If it’s so hard to find accessible pin placements on these two tracks, then why bring amateurs here?"

Randell Mell reports from the Stanford International where an excessively difficult setup mixed with a pro-am format to create 6 hour rounds Friday.

"Just silly tough," Sorenstam said.

It wasn’t a bad day for Sorenstam, whose 2-under-par 68 on the Miller course left her just one shot off the lead, but she felt for all the amateurs struggling in high winds and on undulating greens with tough pin placements.

"It was way too tough," Sorenstam said. "Some of the pins, it’s U.S. Open. These guys are intimidated. They want to help out. It’s long, it’s tough, it was just way too difficult. They’re tucked behind bunkers, they’re tucked in the back."

Sorenstam and her amateur partner, Stanford Financial advisor Russ O’Brien, played a 5-hour and 50-minute round teamed with Natalie Gulbis and her partner, IMG Chairman Ted Forstmann. That was about the average round on both courses. The average early rounds with threesomes on the LPGA Tour is about 4 hours and 40 minutes, according to LPGA Tour officials.

Great to see Ted Forstmann supporting the LPGA Tour.

"It would be fun if it was a little more friendly for them, so they can enjoy it," Sorenstam said of the amateurs. "You can see they’re dragging in the end because they’re focusing so hard and want to help."

LPGA Senior Vice President and Chief Operations Officer Chris Higgs said the pro-am setup is a work in progress. It’s the first LPGA pro-am within tournament competition in seven years.

"We have to make sure the course setup is worthy of a championship round of golf in an LPGA tournament," Higgs said. "And at the same time, you have amateurs playing as well, so there’s a balance you have to reach."

The tees, pin placements and overall course setup must remain the same today on both courses so everyone plays the same setup, but Higgs said the tournament staff will reassess for future consideration.

"It’s a necessary evolution of a format like this," Higgs said.

Beth Ann Baldry catalogs the slow play issues in more detail, sharing Young Kim's slow play related knickname and the disaster of a difficult par-3 second hole on one course. It's enough of a design flaw to have a par-3 so early in the round, and then to stretch it out and tuck the pin takes real talent!

Let’s start with the par-3 second hole on the Miller Course. Weighing in at 210 yards, it ranks as one of the longest par 3s LPGA pros will face all year. Add the element of amateur players into the equation and it’s no wonder players were waiting 45 minutes to an hour on the tee. (I’d tell you the hole’s scoring average for the week, but the tour didn’t keep stats on the Miller Course.)

Sounds like they're reading from the Tom Meeks School of Course Setup manual...

LPGA COO Chris Higgs convened the media Friday afternoon to revisit a conversation on course setup that took place the day before. He stuck by all of his comments from Thursday, adding that six-hour rounds were “normal” for this type of format. He also said tucked pins on these undulating greens were sometimes easier for players to get to than those sitting in the middle of these rather severe greens.

If it’s so hard to find accessible pin placements on these two tracks, then why bring amateurs here?

The 72 Club

Thanks to reader Al for passing along Alistair Tait's Golfweek.com rant on slow play, which includes a description of his home club's 72 Club getting in 72 holes in a day thanks to 3 hour rounds.

Then he turns his attention to the Masters pace of play.

Immelman and Brandt Snedeker teed off at 2:25 p.m. in the final round, and I clocked them completing the 18th hole at 7:26 p.m. Five hours for a round of golf? Are you kidding me?

I know conditions were tough at Augusta. I know both players were chasing their first major, but five hours for a two-ball is unacceptable. It’s so unacceptable that many people on my side of the pond didn’t see Immelman slip on the green jacket.

I conducted a quick straw poll of members of my club and found many of them turned off the television and went to bed. With the five-hour time difference, it meant staying up past midnight to watch the drama unfold.

There was a common refrain from everyone I spoke to: Play was too slow.

Yet neither Immelman nor Snedeker was penalized for slow play. That’s not surprising. It’s been 16 years since a player on the PGA Tour was handed a one-shot penalty for slow play. Dillard Pruitt holds that distinction. He’s now a PGA Tour rules official, with responsibility for making sure players get in a round in good time.

You couldn’t make that up, could you?

The Boo Files: "This golf is a crazy game. That's why I only want to do it for so long and get out of it."

Boo Weekley successfully defends his Heritage Classic title, drops three aint's and two reckons, and as usual provides more transcript entertainment than the rest of the PGA Tour's finest combined.

Q. Did you ever doubt yourself today?

BOO WEEKLEY: Yes, once or twice I did. I mean, I just kind of aggravated -- like on 10, I got probably the lowest point I got all day was on 10. They just put us on the clock, you know, we're under two minutes or two hours on our time, you know, and it's kind of hard to believe they had us on the clock. The guys in front of us were playing pretty quick. It kind of got aggravating and, okay, there you go, you kind of give it away now hitting shots like that. That was my lowest point.

It was the guys in front going fast, not Boo and buds playing slow. I like that rationalization.

Q. Do you think the adrenaline and your emotional state today had anything to do with you getting the rights?

BOO WEEKLEY: No, ma'am, I had the rights all day. I had them all week with the driver and a little bit with the iron. I was standing on the tee box or on the practice round this morning and I had the pulls.

This golf is a crazy game. That's why I only want to do it for so long and get out of it (laughter).

Not yet please.

Q. Golf has always had an elitist label on it. Do you think you might be an inspiration to guys out there who talk like you and chew like you?

BOO WEEKLEY: I'm pretty sure I do. I hope it's mostly the kids. That's who you want to touch anyway is the kids. And I hope they don't chew.

SI's Gary Van Sickle filed this Boo tribute on the golf.com Press Tent blog, including this killer Boo story (along with one other, so hit the link.)

I was standing behind the 18th green at the end of Saturday's round when CBS commentator Jim Nantz climbed down from the telecast tower and ambled toward the players' scoring trailer. I talked to him for a minute but he was interested in getting some face time, he said, with Boo. They had never met, Nantz said.

When Boo signed his card and came out, Nantz was there to introduce himself and have a short, smiling conversation.

Later, after Boo finished another rollicking interview session in the press tent, I asked him about meeting Nantz. "Wail (that's southern for "Well"), he said he just wanted to put a face with a name," Boo said. "He was real nice."

"What was the conversation about?" I asked, "Did he ask any deep questions?"

Boo shook his head. "I don't even know what he does," he said.

"He's a golf commentator," I said. "I'm sure you've heard him on college basketball or football."

"Wail, either I don't watch much of that or I just don't listen," he said, non-plussed.

"I have a little bit of a problem with criticizing somebody when you're on time."

Steve Elling reports on Sean O'Hair's reaction to Johnny Miller's criticism of slow play and in particular, O'Hair's pace at Bay Hill.

"As far as last week, I actually heard that I was criticized a little bit more than Tampa. The thing I don't understand is that we played the front nine in 1:42. We waited on every single shot on the back nine. So when you're watching the telecast, is he sitting there saying that? No.

"I mean, to me what does it matter if I take two practice swings or eight practice swings? I do what I have to do to play well. Obviously what I'm doing right now is right. But I think it's a little unfair to criticize somebody about their routine and talk about how slow they are when basically you're waiting on every single shot.

"We waited for almost ten minutes on the 16th tee, and I took eight practice swings because obviously we were just standing there not doing anything. If I walked up to the 16th tee and the fairway was clear, I might have taken two or three practice swings. You know, he can say what he wants to say. I can't control that. But I have a little bit of a problem with criticizing somebody when you're on time."

So if you are waiting on schedule you can take over a minute and a half to play a shot? That's just not going to fly. Now, maybe once in a while I can understand a 90 second grind if it's an absurdly difficult shot, but just to go through too many practice swings after not being ready when the green cleared?

Penalty shots really do need to be assessed. O'Hair's thinking speaks to the mentality of too many players better than just about any rationalization I can recall.

Did You Catch Johnny Miller Keeping Tabs...

Of Sean O'Hair's practice swings during the final round at Bay Hill? Worse was O'Hair not being in position to begin his pre-shot preparations when the 17th green finally cleared after a long wait. He apparently hadn't realizes it was his honor, but did not make up for lost time as Johnny noted that he'd take 1:25 to get to the point where he was over the ball and about to pull the trigger. 

Let's hope Johnny keeps up the slow play watch.

"Holmes resembles a preying mantis painstakingly stalking its lunch as he goes through his staccato pre-shout routine."

Karl MacGinty offers the latest slow play rant and it's a beauty. A few highlights:

Okay, O'Hair's not as mind-numbingly slow as JB Holmes, the mega-hitter from Kentucky who pounded Phil Mickelson into submission on the first tie hole at last month's FBR Open.

This guy is utterly infuriating. Holmes resembles a preying mantis painstakingly stalking its lunch as he goes through his staccato pre-shout routine. I lost count of the number of times I ended up screaming "hit it, for God's sake" at the TV screen.

Yet Holmes and O'Hair are good enough golfers to make it onto the US Ryder Cup team at Valhalla. Maybe they're America's secret weapon...

And I didn't see this second line from J.B. Holmes...

There seems little chance of Holmes following suit. "A lot of old habits kick in when you're under pressure," said the Kentucky native recently.

"You're playing for $1m. If someone thinks I'm slow or taking too long, I don't care."

Holmes would care if the same fate befell him as Angela Park when she was docked two shots at last month's SPG in Hawaii. No warning. No appeal.

When it comes to slow play, America's LPGA Tour has balls, while their male counterparts clearly do not!

We have the makings of a trend here: the LPGA is trying to get a grip on slow play and the PGA Tour is not. Note in the recent slow play pieces here, here and here how the focus is on the PGA Tour's refusal to penalize players.