"I'm tired of Tiger Woods. Just totally fed up with him."

John Huggan is tired of Tiger Woods. Off the course.

For a man who has never been known to give up with a club in his hands -- one of his most admirable qualities -- the world's best golfer appears to do little more than go through the motions when it comes to his obligations elsewhere. And yes, obligations is the correct word; Tiger earns a lot of money from playing golf in public. One would think he'd try to give a bit more of himself to the people who ultimately fund his opulent jet-set lifestyle.

Take his pre-tournament press conference at this week's JBWere Masters in Melbourne. OK, so the whole thing was a bit of a farce, from the tedious and self-serving seven-and-a-half-minute monologue from John Brumby, the Premier of Victoria -- your typically vacuous and preening politician -- to the totally un-cool rounds of applause that both preceded and ended the proceedings. But, as per usual, Tiger (who more than once appeared to be on the point of nodding off during Brumby's bletherings) batted back questions, good, bad, tough and softball, with responses that at best could be described as predictable.

While I see Mr. Huggan's point, he forgets that America loves the non-answer, non-controversial, safe, middle of the road star. Frankly, I admire Tiger for detecting this and milking it to his financial advantage. It takes a lot of will power to pull it off!

"It’s a cross between a discount motel and a beachside nursing home!"

As if Tiger doesn't have enough on his plate, now he has the local gossip columnist bashing his wife's taste in home architecture.

It’s a cross between a discount motel and a beachside nursing home! But hey, from what I’ve been told, Woods’ Swedish missus, Elin Nordegren, is calling the shots on this one. Woods bought four adjacent properties on the tony island for a Martin County-record $44.5 million in 2006. He then tore down the existing homes on the 12 acres, including a classic-looking manse. The new 9,700-square-foot home is split between the living quarters (right on the photo above) and a gym (left side). Both sides will be connected with a glass-covered walkway, according to the blue prints. Good thing the plans call for so much foliage around the house that few passers-by will be able to see it!

"I suggested to Tiger several months ago that now he's in the golf course design business that maybe he bring one of his guys down here to take a look"

There seems to be no shortage of talk about Tiger's appearance fee in Australia and a calculated effort to spin it as a chance for him to brush up on his design expertise, not for the $3 million he's reportedly receiving.

Mark Hayes and Michael Warner in the Herald Sun talked to Sunshine Stevie Williams and lived to write about it:

The golfing superstar was holed up inside his luxury Southbank hotel suite, but continued his pre-Masters reconnaissance mission by sending his caddie to inspect the course.

Steve Williams spent two hours recording distances on all 18 holes in a sign his boss is determined to earn his giant $3 million pay packet.

"I suggested to Tiger several months ago that now he's in the golf course design business that maybe he bring one of his guys down here to take a look," Williams revealed.

"And he's done that, because in such a small, concentrated area, you've got some of the best courses in the world. The design and the bunkering on this course is unique and very, very good.

"I'm sure he (Tiger) will be looking at it tomorrow."

Now, if he goes to see some other courses in his spare time like Crenshaw would, then we'll know he really is serious about this design stuff.

Meanwhile on the appearance fee, Peter Stone opened his story today with this anecdote:

TIGER WOODS is relentless in his pursuit of Jack Nicklaus's record 18 major victories - with just four left to equal the Golden Bear. So, with a sense of mischief, let's suggest another way he could emulate the great Nicklaus.

We'll go back to the 1975 Australian Open, the first of four opens sponsored by the late Kerry Packer at The Australian, when Nicklaus headlined the field for a modest appearance fee.

Like Woods, Nicklaus was undisputed world No.1 at the time. Nicklaus asked Packer what prizemoney was on offer that week and, when told, Nicklaus immediately added his fee to the purse, which brought total prizemoney to $35,000.

So began the Packer/Nicklaus solution to appearance money. In following years, each invited player was paid $6000 and, in 1976, total prizemoney was lifted to $200,000.

This week, the Australian Masters purse is $1.5 million and Woods is reportedly receiving a $US3m ($3.3m) appearance fee.

Would Woods do the same as Nicklaus this week? Dream on.

But most of the fretting over the amount looks like it'll prove futile, because as Steve Elling notes, the event is looking like a hit, no thanks to Greg Norman:

But hand it to the Aussies, they had not seen Woods in 11 years, and he once again proved to be the game's ultimate show pony. Officials reported selling all 100,000 tickets (capped at $44 Australian dollars per round) for the week, and presumably, the Victorian government has a chance of finishing in the black once all the hotel stays, car rentals and incidentals are tolled. By the way, the tax hit in Australia is a shade under 50 percent in this bracket, so Woods will be contributing to the Oz coffers himself, too. Ah, economics in the 21st century, huh?

And judging by Patrick Smith's cranky reaction, someone in IMG's PR department has done a fine job overprepping the media for Tiger's arrival.

The reaction it must be said was childish and so fevered that normally sensible people lost the plot. Helicopters chopped above Essendon Airport, TV cameras covered this angle, that angle. Print journalists jotted down his every move. Even moves he might have made but didn't.
When he set his left foot on the tarmac, the world's greatest golfer said: "This is one small step for Tiger, one giant leap for golf". Or apparently words to that effect. Tiger's entourage is apparently colour-coded to make it easier to control them. It was noted who went into the different-coloured cars. Even the luggage van was described to radio listeners.

"Think of the fun you would have, shaping shots to fit the contours of the land instead of mindlessly blasting away."

John Huggan offers nine ways Tiger Woods could improve. I'm partial to these two:

5. Use persimmon woods
Again, like the one-trip-a-year thing, you wouldn't have to do this too often. But my goodness it would be fun to see you taking on technology in such an overt way. Think of the fun you would have, shaping shots to fit the contours of the land instead of mindlessly blasting away.

6. Speak out more
Like everyone else who has been to even one of your press conferences, I'm bored to tears listening to you trot out the same old, trite phrases. You seem to think it is clever to give nothing away, but if I hear you say, "it is what it is," or "this course is all there in front of you" even one more time I will run screaming from the media centre. It isn't as if you have to be that controversial; I'd settle for interesting. So let's hear what you really think of the terribly predictable way tour courses are set up these days. Let's hear how you feel about the way modern technology has all but destroyed creativity and imagination at the top end of the game.

"The guy in the grandstand basically did a photo sequence. I flinched on it and hit it straight to the right"

I feel like we've done this before...excessive and ill-timed photo taking of Tiger in China. No?

"There's certainly a lot of people out there," said Woods, after shooting a five-under-par 67 to stand three shots behind the early leader, American Nick Watney. "There was a lot of people ... moving and things. We had to stay focused. I think it's a disadvantage because there are so many people with cameras here. The other groups probably don't have to deal with it as much as we do."

"I just wish they had gone to a straight, old, traditional V groove..."

Great stuff from Lanny Wadkins on many topics prior to his Hall of Fame induction, but the final comments about grooves are the most interesting:

I like the idea of trying to get back to V grooves. I just wish they had gone to a straight, old, traditional V groove because what they're doing with going to an area, the amount of area that's in the groove, which is basically going to shallower U grooves if you will, the manufacturers are going to figure out a way around it. They're going to figure out a way to keep as much spin as possible in the ball. I would love to see it back in the V grooves we played in the early '70s. No reason they couldn't do that in my mind and just be very straight forward about it, and I think it would require more imagination in today's game. I think it would involve ball changes for a lot of the guys on TOUR. With the changes they're making today that probably won't happen as readily as we thought it was going to. It would involve driver changes.

I mean, my generation has changed all the way along the line. We've changed from shafts that weren't frequency matched, then we went to frequently matched shafts. Then we went to wooden clubs that were heavy, 14 and a half ounces for a driver, a shaft that weighed 135 grams, which is probably what mine weighed early '70s, mid '80s at that point in time. We've changed to small-headed metal clubs to big-headed metal grooves to U grooves to balls that don't spin. My generation has changed all the way up. This generation like where my boys are, my boys have always played the same stuff. They've never hit a wooden club. They're 21 and 17, all they've known is big-headed metal stuff.

I think it's about time. This generation has to change something. Let's see if they've got some imagination.

And the thing about it is, guess who's been playing V grooves all along? Tiger Woods. All he's got to change is two clubs in his bag. He's got to change his 56 and his 60. He doesn't have to change balls, driver, nothing. Let's just give Tiger a bigger advantage. Just what he needs, right?

"He's been drinking it every morning since then"

Maybe this NY Daily News item explains why our 99 cent stores here in SoCal are loaded with aisles and aisles of Gatorade featuring Tiger's eyes, the word Focus, and all the high fructose corn syrup an athlete does not need:

Tiger Woods gets paid a rumored $100 million to drink Gatorade. But we hear he's been sneaking sips of Neuro1, the "focus drink" John McCain is said to have used during his debates with President Obama. Apparently, Tiger is getting better results. Former NFL star Bill Romanowski, who developed the stuff, tells us he sent the golf god a package during his slump after his father's death four years ago. "He's been drinking it every morning since then," says Romanowski. Romanowski says other customers include Alex Rodriguez, Owen Wilson, Charlize Theron and Adam Sandler. Woods' rep didn't respond to calls for comment.

The Ubiquitous Hank Haney?

For a man who doesn't think much of the media, it's just heartwarming to see Hank Haney making the rounds now to talk about Tiger. First there was the call in to Alan Shipnuck, then now he's on FanHouse, then yapping it up with Golf.com's Connell Barrett and finally, doing Ryan Ballengee's podcast.

But it wasn't until Monte Burke nabbed Haney for Forbes.com that the truth came out.

You recently became the spokesperson for Charles Schwab's ( SCHW - news - people ) retirement services. Are there parallels between golf instruction and retirement advice?

There are lots of parallels. The most important thing you can have is a plan, whether that's for your investments or your golf game. You have to be patient. Both require longterm approaches. There are ups and downs, and you can't get too high with the ups or too low with the down.

After that, don't ever tell me this blog fails to provide you with useful information. Ever!