Where's Ari Fleischer When You Need Him? Tiger Cell Phone Edition

Let's forget the club rule about keeping the cell phones in the locker (except to record swings, says Steve Ethun), and just think big picture when looking at the images posted by TMZ (I'm still looking for a golf site that would post the images). Not really the best image for Tiger right now, eh?  According to Lawrence Donegan he was capturing the "hoop" in Mark O'Meara's stroke, however...I'm just saying...

ANGC Refresher Course

If you're looking to refresh GolfDigest.com features interactive flyovers of Augusta National hole stats and anecdotes from Brett Avery, while Golf.com posts some killer aerials of key holes along with the new practice area.

As for changes, Rich Lerner touches on a few of them:

Poulter liked the few subtle changes made to the course. The front of the par 5 second was widened by “a few yards to make it more inviting to land the ball and possibly run it up, and front right at the 15th green has been flattened a bit so they can get a good hole location over there.”

The seventh tee has also been nudged up a bit and Poulter said simply, “that’ll help.”

“The course used to be a lot more fun to play 15 years ago,” said Furyk. “It’s become more of a grind.”

Grind? Oh Jim, according to Dean Knuth it's rating would only be a 78.1! 

And The Lucky Tiger Playing Partners Are...

...K.J. Choi and Matt Kuchar.

Here's the full list.

"Ma'am, are you the stripper?"

We learned yesterday that Tiger comes to Augusta with an army of former FBI and Secret Service and the confirmation comes in this moment of bumbling stupidity that reads like an April Fools Joke and that the club committee should be investigating immediately if they have any concept how disturbing this is.

From Steve Elling, writing about the unusually hectic Monday on the course:

You can't tell these players without a scorecard, and in this case, players isn't a term being used to describe the 97 competitors.

As Woods played his practice round, a woman camped near the fifth tee was approached by a member of Woods' considerable security detail and was asked, "Ma'am, are you the stripper?"

The woman looked at the guy like he had a 3-iron growing out of his forehead. Thus, the security guard reached in his pocket and produced a sheet containing the color mugs shots of Woods' alleged mistresses, who are clearly on his watch list. It was a rogue's gallery, indeed.

"We've just got to be extra careful," the guard told the woman.

She wasn't quite sure how to react. But it was hard to view the inquisition as flattering.

"I'm not sure how to feel yet," she told a TV producer who watched the entire episode.

Welcome to the 2010 Masters, Year of the Tiger, where at least one security guard has a list of American's least-wanted.

Tiger's Masters Press Conference Post-Mortem, Transcript Edition

Before we get to the words, I'd say the day was mostly a positive in that Tiger Woods answered key questions which will help the world move on to bigger and better things. He still had trouble answering some questions and (I thought) was visibly annoyed when certain people were asking questions. The media did decently by getting in some tough questions in an awkward, follow-up unfriendly environment. That said...

The overall impression the outside world will have of golf is likely to not be very positive, and I base that on two small components of the day. As predicted, media outlets will see the club's requirement of only using footage three minutes per hour (and none after 48 hours) as severely old school and behind-the-times. Not exactly a good thing for a club hoping to deflect attention away from its men-only membership policy.

And then there was Tiger addressing media members and his agent by those boyish, unimaginative nicknames in an otherwise serious setting. That only reinforces a certain old-boys network image the sport could do without.

But all in all, a humbler Tiger and clearly someone who is trying to make amends, and if that is the takeaway most have from the day, we might actually get to remember this Masters as a golf tournament and now the week Tiger came back.

Here is the press conference in its entirety on video, for now. 

And now, to the text...after that wonderful opening where Tiger came in through the main lobby and shook hands with some club members (look how diverse we are!), his opening remarks...

I would also like to I guess make another little comment before we start. I know that the players over the past few months have been bombarded with questions by all of you and the public, as well, and I would like to tell all of the players, hopefully after today, after answering questions at this press conference, the players can be left alone to focus on the Masters and focus on their game, not only for this week, but going forward, as well. And certainly apologize to all of them for having to endure what they have had to endure the past few months.

I thought this was a classy touch. Then again, maybe the players welcomed answering questions about that Woody Allenesque car wreck and your horribly humiliating sex scandal? It sure beat answering stuff like "will Tiger win the Grand Slam" or, "is he just that much better than everyone else?"

And now our first question from the venerable wire service reporter, Helen Thomas Doug Ferguson:

Q. Tiger, you said in some recent TV interviews that everything was in the police report, but the police report didn't contain what was it about the injuries that sent you to the hospital. Can you tell us what they were?

TIGER WOODS: Yeah, I had a busted-up lip and a pretty sore neck, and that was it.

Q. And secondly, in the five --

TIGER WOODS: It required actually five stitches in my lip.

Q. From the five weeks from the accident until you went into therapy, why didn't you speak to the police, any of your corporate sponsors or the media that have covered you year-round?

TIGER WOODS: I did everything to the letter of the law. The lawyers gave me advice and I followed that advice, and again, I did everything to the letter of the law.

I did talk to my sponsors, and people that -- who I was close to at the various companies, but mainly I spent a lot of time with my family.

I cringed at the lawyering up part, but it was early on and everyone was a little nervous.

Q. You said in February that when you returned to the game that you wanted to show more respect for the game; in what way are we going to see sort of differences out there between the ropes and outside the ropes?

TIGER WOODS: Yeah, great question.

Yeah, super. I was looking for a 3-0 change up over the plate and you threw it!

I'm actually going to try and obviously not get as hot when I play. But then again, when I'm not as hot, I'm not going to be as exuberant, either.

Are we being punished? Go on...

I can't play one without the other, and so I made a conscious decision to try and tone down my negative outbursts and consequently I'm sure my positive outbursts be will calmed down, as well.

Just trying to be more respectful of the game and acknowledge the fans like I did today.

This I can't wait to see!

That was just an incredible reception today for all 18 holes, and show my appreciation for them. I haven't done that in the past few years, and that was wrong of me. So many kids have looked up to me and so many fans have supported me over the years. Just wanted to say thank you to them, especially going through all of this over the past few months, it really put things in perspective for me and how much I have appreciated -- or underappreciated the fans in the game of golf.

If you want to show your appreciation, play a few more events.

I'll take cranky, reclusive and swearing Tiger playing 20 times a year over 10 appearances and Mr. Nice Guy.

Q. You've been known as a great proponent of drug testing on the PGA TOUR, as you probably know Dr. Anthony Galea was arrested with performance-enhancing drugs in his possession

Actually, it was worse than that...his assistant was caught with the stuff because he's too much a dirtbag to carry the stuff across the border himself, but go on...

and as you know Dr. Galea said he's been to your to your home four times. Why did you feel it was necessary to have this particular doctor tore come to your home and what did he specifically do for you?

TIGER WOODS: Okay. Well, Christine, he did come to my house. He never gave me HGH or any PEDs. I've never taken that my entire life. I've never taken any illegal drug, ever, for that matter.

I had PRP, platelet-enriched plasma treatments, and basically what that is that that they draw blood from your arm spin it in a centrifuge and spin the plasma into the entries. As you all know, 2008 I brew out my ACL and part of my reconstruction with my LCL, it wasn't reacting properly, it was a little bit stuck. And so I had the PRP injection into my LCL.

BTW, OMG and LOL, TALOA.

And then in December, I started to train, start running again and I tore my Achilles in my right leg. I then had PRP injections throughout the year. I kept re-tearing it throughout the year and throughout the summer. I used tape most of the year to play, and so -- I also went to hyperbaric chambers after the injections to help drive in the -- it does help you heal faster and did everything I possibly could to heal faster so I could get become on the golf course going through the PRP injections.

Whew, that sure cleared it up for...Tim Finchem. Not sure if Doug Barron feels better though about that answer. Of course a blood test would make everyone happy.

Q. What were you anticipating today to be like for you and how nervous are you sitting here?

TIGER WOODS: Sitting here, not that nervous, no. As far as getting out there, I was definitely more nervous.

His voice was visibly shaky at the start, as you'd hope it be if he's human. But I understand the macho guy pride thing.

Q. You and the rest of us discovered a lot of media we didn't know existed until the accident. I just wondered your response to the mainstream media, which was a lot more critical, obviously, than it had been; were you surprised, or did you sort of expect that?

TIGER WOODS: Well, I was surprised at the mainstream media. I think it's also the times have changed, as well. With 24-hour news, you're looking for any kind of news to get out there.

I know a lot of my friends are in here, and I haven't seen them, I haven't talked to them, but I've read their articles, and of course they have been critical of me. They should, because what I have done was wrong. But then again, I know a lot of them -- I know a lot of you in here are my friends and will always be my friends.

He considers these guys friends? Think he's ever had breakfast, lunch or dinner with anyone in that room that's not his agent, PR flak or ghostwriter?

Q. It's been reported you took prescription drugs, Ambien and Vicodin, can you speak to when you started taking them, how you needed them for tournament golf if you did and if you ever became addicted to either one of them or received treatment?

TIGER WOODS: I've taken them, yes, I've had some, as everyone knows, pretty interesting knee situations over the years. I've had, what, four operations now on my left knee. Then last year with my torn Achilles, it hurt quite a bit at times. And yeah, I did take that, and I took most of the time I was on the Ambien was when my dad was sick and when my dad died; that was a tough time in my life.

So that's when I was still taking some of those things to help me sleep. And that's about it.

Uh, that was a huge bogey, invoking dad's death, in light of the recent revelation in Vanity Fair from Mistress Whatever Number about being with him when he got the news of Earl's passing.

Q. If I could just follow-up on Chris's question, there are a lot of doctors who do blood spinning, and what was it that prompted you to go to or have Dr. Galea come?

TIGER WOODS: Well, he's worked with so many athletes. That's also one of the reasons why I saw Dr. Whitten for my eyes is he's on a lot of different athletes and there's a certain comfort level to that when a person has worked with athletes.

So I guess that means IMG set that up like they did for other athletes? Oh right, that didn't get asked. Another day.

Q. You said earlier that you were in some form of a rehab; can you talk about are you still in rehab and what you were in there for?

TIGER WOODS: Yeah, I was in there for 45 days and it was to take a hard look at myself, and I did, and I've come out better. I'm certainly a much better person for it than I was going in.

Does that mean I'm ever going to stop doing that? No. I've got to still continue with my treatment. And that's going forward. That's not going to -- sorry, that's not going to stop in the near future for sure.

Q. What's that for?

TIGER WOODS: That's personal, thank you.

You can't dangle the rehab carrot, hide behind the rehab wall when you feel like it, and then not say what it is and expect the awkward questions to go away.

Q. Federal investigators have contacted some of the other athletes who have worked with Dr. Galea; have they contacted you as part of that investigation?

TIGER WOODS: Yeah, they actually contacted Steiny, and full cooperation, whenever they need me, but as of right now they have not asked for my time.

Good to know that ASAP goes with Steiny, as opposed to the more commonly-used Steiney.

Q. The story about the doctor you were working with has been out there for several months, and it led to some assumptions that you just denied, obviously people writing or speculating that you might have been doing performance-enhancing drugs, why not talk about that sooner to get that put aside? And you referenced your Achilles was that two months before you came back to golf last year?

TIGER WOODS: Okay, why didn't I come out; because I haven't done any interviews, first of all. And when I did, you know, Kelly and Tom, I don't believe asked me those questions.

But as far as the injury, yeah, it was the week before the Chevron tournament, and yeah, so it was a couple months prior. It's also one of the reasons why when I did come back and I did start playing, I was hitting the ball so short. I couldn't push off of my right side.

And as I said, as I said to Christine, I tore it a couple more times throughout the year, and needed the injections to try and heal the wound.

Wound? This would all be a lot more believable if this newer injury was not being disclosed now, on this day and this long after.

Q. Will Elin and the kids be joining you this week at the Masters, and if not, is that a sign that she's not ready to support you yet and should you be making this return so soon to the game?

TIGER WOODS: Elin is not coming this week, no.

Q. So should you be returning to the game so soon with -- time repairing your relationship?

TIGER WOODS: Well, I'm excited to play this week.

Well, moving right along...

Q. Will you keep your time, your management team intact, and how much did they actually know about everything that was going on?

TIGER WOODS: Well, I certainly have everyone around me. I've lied and deceived a lot of people and a lot of people didn't know what I was doing, either. So I've had, again, a tremendous amount of support, as well, from others on the outside, and it's been a difficult time, but also I'm actually surprised how much support I've gotten, as well.

Ahhh, much better!

Q. Did Ambien play a role in the car crash? You were described by the witnesses as mumbling, snoring, obviously sockless and according to the police hospital record, you were admitted as a possible OD?

TIGER WOODS: Well, the police investigated the accident and they cited me 166 bucks and it's a closed case.

Whoa, that answer looks even worse in print than it sounded live.

Q. Are you planning on playing in The Ryder Cup this year?

TIGER WOODS: Well, as of right now, I'm not on the team, am I? (Laughter) I'm not on the team point-wise. So I have a long way to go.

Q. Would you like to play?

TIGER WOODS: Would I like to play in it? If I qualify.

How about if you're a Captain's pick because you only play 6 tournaments the rest of the year? Oh sorry, we're out of time.

Flash: Tiger, Steiney Acknowledge Other Human Being-Americans

You know something's up when those two are on the grounds of Augusta National and acknowledging other beating hearts.

Jim McCabe on Monday's practice round with Fred Couples.

At the par-3 fourth, for instance, Woods was wide right and in the bunker. Not good, but better than his next one, which he nearly pulled into the grandstands. Choosing to play his first one, Woods failed to get that shot out of the bunker, after which he played he played three shots.

It was, after all, what practice rounds are about, no?

Only this one was about more than the actual playing of golf. What set it apart was his first real public appearance since his world came crashing down upon him. So intriguing was this moment that Augusta National chairman Billy Payne came out to watch Woods hit his first tee shot and several high-profile club members walked along.

They were there, perhaps, to measure the crowd reaction, to get a sense of what Woods is in for. That seemed to be Mark Steinberg’s intentions, too.

As he walked down the first hole, Steinberg remarked that he couldn’t “remember the last time I walked a practice round,” and at several occasions Woods’ agent stopped to talk to key Augusta National members.

John Paul Newport writes:

Unlike Woods’s typically tuned-out response before the events of the last few months, he frequently made eye contact with the people who called to him, nodded his head and said, “Thank you.” It wasn’t quite the Phil Mickelson Show. Neither is walking to a Monday morning practice round the same thing as a competitive round. But Woods was notably more responsive than he has have been in the past.

John Boyette at Augusta.com has a slightly different take:

Overall, fan reaction is positive for Woods.
 
Woods hit his shot at No. 6 within 20 feet of the pin, which elicited applause for the increasing gallery.
 
"We love you Tiger," a man yelled as Woods walked past the bank of azaleas, which are not in bloom.
 
A woman then yelled, "Good luck Tiger."

Of course, if you believe the Daily Mail, that's the only thing Tiger will hear this week if the gallery is as loaded with ex-G-men as they claim:

Tiger Woods will be guarded by a ‘ring of steel’ of 90 private bodyguards – including former FBI and Secret Service agents – as well as armed deputies on his return to golf at the Masters tournament this week.

The unprecedented security is in place because of fears he may be confronted by one of his 15 alleged mistresses.

The bodyguards are thought to have been given photos of his alleged lovers, including porn star Joslyn James who has threatened to picket the tournament with a group of friends with megaphones.

One guard said last night: ‘None of these girls are allowed anywhere near him. If one photo comes out of a beautiful lady touching him, it would be a disaster.’

Fred Vuich files this gallery of morning Tiger images at golf.com.