Tiger's Indefinite Leave Clippings, An Elephant Gets-The-Nod Edition

Russell Simmons, the guy who introduced the American public to the art of def poetry (a.k.a. the thing they force on Guantanamo inmates after waterboarding stops working), is claiming that his people have been talking to Tiger's people and his people may even talk to Tiger Woods Friday to discuss the $3 million that our beloved little hermit might donate in the name of Haitian relief.

Are you sensing my skepticism?

Simone Weichselbaum and Samuel Goldsmith report for the New York Daily News:

Simmons and representatives from Wyclef Jean's Haitian relief organization Yele have asked Woods to support the effort. Simmons spokesman has been in touch with Woods managment team and they are "excited" about the idea.

"I am waiting to have the conversation [with Tiger] tomorrow morning," Simmons' spokesman Marcus Harris said. "I am hopeful that it is a yes."

"I am just asking for his heart and his hand," he said.

"Just to meet the needs of the people."

Uh, since you're asking him to write a check, could you also ask him where he is?

WSJ's Emily Steel tells us about Accenture's replacement for Tiger in their new $40-50 million ad campaign: a surfing elephant. He was a big hit with the people!

After nearly a month of focus-group testing and production work, Accenture is rolling out the new global marketing campaign this week. The creatures, which include an elephant, a chameleon and some frogs and fish, will star in a series of TV, print and online spots. They also will appear in airport ads in 28 countries.

The airport ads, which travelers will start seeing in the U.S. on Thursday, are aimed at Accenture's client base of senior business executives.

One of the posters shows an elephant balancing precariously on a surfboard. The text reads, "Who says you can't be big and nimble?" Another ad shows a frog leaping over three others, with the tagline, "Play quantum leapfrog."

Those advertising wizards have done it again!

Like most ad agencies, Young & Rubicam, Accenture's agency, had a few ideas in reserve that could be dusted off and put into production should the need arise. Y&R, a unit of WPP, gave Accenture some options. In the tests, the animal ads were the top performer. Other ideas that fell by the wayside included jugglers and jump-ropers.

Oh come on, what about the baton-twirlers? Surely they were in there too? Maybe a baton-twirling basset hound?

Jami Bernard on the new campaign:

Big and nimble. Accenture is certainly big (it raked in $21.6 billion in revenue during its past fiscal year). It's nimble, in the sense that it came up with a global advertising scheme a mere month after shedding Tiger. Big and nimble, okay. But how about smart?

The idea of the elephant - along with a chameleon and some frogs and fish - got a thumbs-up from advertising focus groups, so it's not as if the public will reject the ads. I should point out, though, that the typical focus group would also have given the okay to velvet paintings of wide-eyed puppies.

David Nichtern says Brit Hume's recommendation for Tiger to take up Christianity provides an "incredible opportunity for American Buddhists to step forward and share their tradition, experience and point of view."

My teacher, Trungpa Rinpoche, emphasized that Buddhism is a non-theistic discipline. By that he meant that we shouldn't rely on the power of an external, even if "divine", source for salvation or redemption. As he often said, "we have to hitch up our own chubas " or putting it more in the American vernacular "we have to pick up our own socks." Even more directly, "if you make a mess, then YOU have to clean it up".

Would hiding on your massive private yacht count?

There are many ways within the Buddhist tradition to heal, recover, repair, repent, or refrain from harmful actions, but the essence of all of these methods is restoring and re-connecting to one's own innate and indestructible goodness, not depending on salvation through the intervention of an external agent whether it be Buddha, Jesus or any other spiritual guide.

I'd call that a big yes.

Bob Carney is seeing a change in tone from Golf Digest readers when writing about Tiger. I could see that with these letters, but I'm not so sure about this set.

Add Paul Goydos to the list predicting that a few of those angry letter writers will probably be heckling

"He is going to be heckled without question," he said. "That's going to be part of the security issues for the PGA Tour to deal with over the next x number of months or years. I don't think there's any question that's going to be the case."

Diane Pucin notices that EA Sports has posted the latest version of the golf game and you can all rest easy, Tiger's name is still on it. ** Yes, because it's not the latest version.

And finally, George Lopez asked Charles Barkley about the status of his friendship with Tiger (still hasn't talked to him).

Tiger's Indefinite Leave Clippings, Investigations Edition

Before we get into all of the investigations launched Monday, Alan Shipnuck on the mood at Kapalua and the increasingly apparent issues facing Tiger when and if he returns:

Even pals like Stricker have no feel for when Woods will return. But coming back is only the first step. For all of his wondrous physical gifts, Woods's mental toughness was always his greatest strength. With his carefully cultivated image shattered, his family potentially torn asunder and a once-adoring public now turned largely hostile, it is not a given that Tiger will ever again regain the focus, intensity and desire that defined him as a player.

Jason Sobel suggests that barring something unusual, Tiger should hold on to his No. 1 ranking, something Sobel isn't wild about.

Simply put, without being totally dominant, that shouldn't be enough golf for Tiger to retain this ranking for so long. Over this period, he won seven of those 19 starts, but failed to claim a major championship.

So, what's the explanation? According to those who run the OWGR, "Tiger Woods' average points figure will drop each week he doesn't play and it will take until somewhere between the U.S. Open and Open Championship for his average to drop to where Phil Mickelson's currently is. If Mickelson plays well enough to maintain his current average and Woods doesn't play, then the No. 1 spot could change hands early July." Of course, they also allow that "there are so many variables to be more precise than that."

Mike Fish reveals that Dr. Anthony Galea assistant Mary Anne Catalano's court appearance has been postponed until March 12, buying more time for the doctor and those who may be implicated in the investigation. Since multiple sources say Tiger won't be involved, I'd count this as good news either way.

Denver's KUSA 9 says a Federal investigation has been opened into the "Unfaithful" pop art/product tampering situation. Amazingly, 1000 bottles were made and one of the geniuses left an email address on the packaging. Even better, he's blabbing to the press.

9Wants To Know investigators tracked an e-mail hidden in the label's small print to Jason Kay of Longmont.

Kay admitted he helped a friend pull of what he called a "pop art" project.

"He doesn't want to be contacted," Kay said. "The artist wants to remain anonymous because there are similar future projects in the works."

Kay said the object of the project was to create conversation.

Bottles turning up in the Denver area have hand-written numbers on the bottom indicating each is one of 100.

Kay said there are actually about 1,000 such "unfaithful" bottles planted in stores from Longmont to Denver. He said the hand-numbered ones are just the "collectors' edition."

He admitted the stunt was "very expensive" but wouldn't discuss the details of making the labels or sneaking them into stores.

"I used my connections," Kay said.

Parents must be so proud!

Megan O'Matz reports that a Florida state senator wants to investigate the anonymous tip suggesting possible child abuse in the Woods residence.

Now, a state senator who oversees Florida's Department of Children & Families is calling for an investigation into whether someone knowingly filed a false child abuse report against the Woods family, perhaps needlessly traumatizing the Woods children and wasting time and tax dollars. Doing so is a felony.

The senator said she thinks a call was placed to the Florida Abuse Hotline "to keep the media celebrity attention going."

"To use the resources of the state for some grand celebrity theater is completely unacceptable," said Sen. Ronda Storms, a Hillsborough County Republican who chairs the Senate's Children, Families and Elder Affairs Committee. "It robs children who are legitimately in danger." 

Mel Gibson spoke out on Tiger's behalf...

'I feel sorry for Tiger Woods,' he says. 'Why are we talking about this when we're sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan? You've got this history-changing event going on and we're talking about Tiger's private life and golf injuries. He's being used as a diversion and it just drives me crazy. You come out savaged. I just think, 'Who cares?'

The SI roundtable guys talked about life without Tiger and what it'll be like after his return:

Van Sickle: Enough of Sir Charles. What's the status of Tiger Woods? He has completely dropped out of sight, yet he was still the talk of the week, even after the SBS Championship got underway. Can we get over him and get on with the season?

Shipnuck: Here at Kapalua, Tiger loomed large in his absence. The players are weirded-out not knowing where he is, when he's coming back, or if he'll be the same when he does. Tiger's return, or lack thereof, will go a long way toward defining the season. Until he's back we're all going to continue obsessing about him.

Herre: I can see why the other players find TW's absence unsettling — it's weird being in the dark and not knowing. Mark Rolfing said on Golf Channel that everything will quickly return to normal when TW returns. I don't think so.

Friedman: Yes, it's a be-careful-what-you-wish-for situation. His first tournament back will be a zoo.

Farrell Evans, writer-reporter, Sports Illustrated: Tiger could have taken some notes from Sir Charles about not taking himself so seriously. Charles is having fun. A less uptight Tiger might relish the opportunity to host SNL.

Van Sickle: That could be a smart option once his marriage situation is settled. Not that Tiger would ever consider it.

And finally, I'm guessing they won't be pitching this reality show to The Golf Channel. Particularly when you have never-before behind-the-scenes footage of John Daly.