As promised during his spellbinding sitdown with Dan Hicks and Johnny Miller, Commissioner Tim Finchem has contacted Sergio Garcia about his spitting-in-the-cup incident Saturday at Doral. And because they were done with their setup at Alberto Gonzalez's house (now that he's a goner), my NSA sources were able to obtain the instant message exchange between the Commissioner and Garcia.
twfPGATOUR©: Do you have a minute?
SharketteHunter: Anything for my favorite Commissioner.
twfPGATOUR©: About that distractive behavior Saturday at the CA Championship.
SharketteHunter: The thing with the marshall?
SharketteHunter: Oh the courtesy car?
SharketteHunter: Wait, the guy I flipped off down at South Beach?
twfPGATOUR©: No. I am referring to the oral secretion that you discharged into one of Doral's cups.
SharketteHunter: Oh that. Well it was a clean hit. I just nailed the little opening where the flagstick goes.
SharketteHunter: You know, like when Luke Skywalker dropped that hit into the Death Star in Star Wars. Clean shot all the way.
twfPGATOUR©: I'm sure it was, but that's not the issue. This was behavior distractive to the PGA Tour, our brands, consumers, our good friends and corporate partners at CA, and not to mention, to your brand.
twfPGATOUR©: It's the adjective form of distracting.
SharketteHunter: So why don't you just say distracting?
twfPGATOUR©: There are many dynamics at play that make it a less appealing choice of words. Just review my interview with Dan Hicks today and I think you'll see that of all the possible permutations, it really was the best choice.
twfPGATOUR©: I should note that we ran several metrics and it tested best.
SharketteHunter: Well what do you want to know, Tim? I dropped a big loogey in the cup. Take the fine out of my account like you always do.
twfPGATOUR©: And as always, charity will be the real winner.
SharketteHunter: Whatever you say. Anything else?
twfPGATOUR©: I was thinking that we might be able cut into what I believe will be a record compulsory contribution to charity.
SharketteHunter: Tim, I'm not doing any FedEx Cup ads. That Shackspear thing is the dumbest ad I've ever seen.
SharketteHunter: Whatever. What do you want?
twfPGATOUR©: You are currently proactively engaged in pre-marital interfacing with Greg Norman's daughter, is that correct?
SharketteHunter: We're dating, if that's what you mean.
twfPGATOUR©: Do you ever ask Greg if he gets the urge to compete, say, on the Champions Tour?
SharketteHunter: Tim, it's not going to happen.
twfPGATOUR©: I know, I know. But, if it ever comes up and you feel that you can influence his platform agenda, that would be great. I'll make it up to you. I'll guarantee you will not be paired with Ben Crane at the Players.
SharketteHunter: Wow, great.
twfPGATOUR©: Thanks, I would really appreciate it. Also, have you tried Greg's 2004 Cab?
SharketteHunter: Yeah it tastes like it's been stored in a cab. I'm a Michelob man, remember?
twfPGATOUR©: Oh right. Well good to know. We've got a really nice plum bite to our '04 Cab, I'll have our people send you a case. We're very excited about it.
SharketteHunter: Excellent. I'm starting my own label, did you know?
SharketteHunter: Yeah, Greg saw that Luke Donald was starting one and thought that the day had arrived when it was not necessary to have a major on your resume to start one's own label.
twfPGATOUR©: Well you're in good hands there with Greg's advice.
SharketteHunter: I'll tell you him you said that.
twfPGATOUR©: That's not necessary.
SharketteHunter: Yes it is! :-)
twfPGATOUR©: And please Sergio, let's try to not have any more oral secretions on the golf course?
SharketteHunter: I'll do my best Tim.
twfPGATOUR©: For the brand's sake, if nothing else.
SharketteHunter: Right Tim.
twfPGATOUR©: Give my best to...
SharketteHunter: She says hi back!
SharketteHunter: Adios amigo.