In Dismissing Haney Lawsuit, Judge Offers Cringeworthy Golf Analogies

Few things are more demeaning to the “rule of law” than judges who long to be comedians in otherwise serious matters.

While Hank Haney v. the PGA Tour is hardly the most important matter ever sent before a judge, it’s still embarrassing to read Judge Rodolfo Ruiz use his dismissal to audition some Borscht Belty material. And as any golfer will know, the attempted use of golf cliches and lingo better be good or else you look like a stooge.

From Bob Harig’s ESPN story quoting the decision.

"As the Court remarked at the outset of this matter, the allegations teed up in this case -- like a well-hit drive on the golf course -- [have] avoided pleading hazards . . . remained in bounds, and left Plaintiffs with an opportunity to take their next shot," U.S. District Court Judge Rodolfo Ruiz wrote in his ruling. "However, Plaintiffs' next shot has not fared as well as their opening drive. In an effort to reach the green and get this matter to trial, Plaintiffs' approach has found the water. And the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure do not provide for mulligans. ... Plaintiffs' round has come to an end."

Someone has way too much time on his hands. Or a clerk unable to say, “you know Judge, you kind of sound like a jackass here.”

As Rex Hoggard notes in his GolfChannel.com story, Commissioner Jay Monahan responded aggressively to Haney’s flippant comments about a Korean golfer likely winning the U.S. Women’s Open. In a 2019 email (oh Jay…), he wrote, “This man needs to lose his job. Please let me know what I can do to assist you to ensure this happens.”

When deposed in the Haney case discovery, Monahan and lieutenant Laura Neal displayed a staggering lack of familiarity with anything related to the LPGA Tour.

None of this dissuaded the judge from ruling in Haney’s favor or appearing to take the matter seriously. From Harig’s story:

"Rule 9 of the USGA Rules of Golf states a key principle of the game: 'play the ball as it lies,'" Ruiz wrote in the ruling. "In other words, absent a few exceptions, players cannot improve their position by simply moving the golf ball. Here, under Rule 56, the Court must similarly take the evidence as it lies in the record. And that evidence makes clear that Plaintiffs are unable to establish the necessary elements of their claims."

Oy vey.

On a serious note for fans, SiriusXM PGA Tour Radio was prone to uncomfortable bouts of rear-end smooching, inane conversation and an overall Radio Sawgrass vibe before this. Now…