"Trivial Inquiries"

The Telegraph's always entertaining Martin Johnson wasn't the only one bored by the media's Tuesday fawning over Tiger the soon-to-be-dad. Don't miss this column.  The highlights, for when the link disappears:

Until now, Mrs Tiger has not had much to disturb her in married life, apart perhaps from those infuriating moments when the old man is hogging the bathroom again. "Darling, I know you've got to put your game face on, but do hurry up. I want to do my nails." But all this is about to change.

It comes as no surprise to learn that the Woods' have already declined a request from an American television company to film the birth live. However, given that Tiger himself was almost as much a designer breed as his new pooch - making his first TV appearance on The Bob Hope Show at the age of three - we can hazard a guess at what the viewers might have witnessed had CBS been allowed to break off from their six o'clock news bulletin on the latest events in Iraq to go live to the maternity ward.

Soon after Woods Junior emerges from the womb, the midwives will marvel at how his hands clasp hold of the umbilical cord, using the Vardon grip of course, before taking aim at a ball of cotton wool and propelling it into a wastepaper basket for the youngest ever hole in one.

Woods himself says that he has no idea whether fatherhood will alter his legendary approach to business - he has a focus which makes Nicklaus in his prime look like a man having a carefree Sunday morning biff round the local municipal. Woods has already said, though, that he will not be playing golf when the birth is due, and we could see him at this year's Open at Carnoustie carrying a beeper on his belt. If there is a God, please let it go off on the top of Colin Montgomerie's backswing.