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The Revealing 2013 Mandatory Players Meeting...

Overcoming hideous late-80s carpeting, a less-than-choice setting in the fluorescent-drenched Hilton Torrey Pines basement ballroom, the 2013 mandatory, non-mandatory players meeting was completed in just under two hours and reports say a good time was had by all. Except those who left early citing boredom or refusing to acknowledge the assembled media.

As a belligerent press corps bickered outside the room for nearly 2 hours about deserving World Golf Hall of Fame inductees, PGA Tour players unveiled a variety of peculiar fashion choices to kick off the new year in a fierce battle to see who could best impersonate a wealthy homeless golfer.

Since no one from the USGA or PGA Tour would even talk about the tone of the meeting or acknowledge that a discussion about anchoring a large metal object against one's torso was the topic of discussion, reporters were forced to ask players their views. Always a difficult task under even the the best of circumstances, players were equally as resistant to speak.  Even as they debuted their best winter flip-flops and shabbiest t-shirts paying homage to the world's off-duty longshoreman, the PGA Tour's SVP and EVP corps appeared in their stock blue-blazered best to tell players what they planned to do regardless of the comments made at the meeting. 

"Mike Davis and Tim Finchem are very gifted public speakers," said Geoff Ogilvy, the only player present who completed a sentence and one of the few able to complete full sentences. Several others declined to speak to the media gathered in hopes of landing just one nugget from this most first world of first world discussions.

Flying in for the meeting was noted anchorer Tim Clark, sporting this winter's must-have mandatory players meeting accessory: a carry-on hard case luggage piece filled with mysterious contents that could be construed as legal documents for a player considering a lawsuit to halt the putter anchoring ban. Clark declined comment on his way out of the meeting and remains the subject of speculation that he will be grandfathered in due to a physical handicap preventing him from putting like a normal human being, as will any other player that does 7 Hail Mary's and tells Tim Finchem that he's a first vote World Golf Hall of Famer.

Though all parties declined significant or revealing comment following two hours of meeting and one slightly jovial ovation later, it was revealed that Commissioner Tim Finchem will be briefing the media in an 8:30 a.m. PT press conference.

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Reader Comments (18)

There are only a few players able to complete full sentences? Interesting portrayal of a pretty large group of people, some might interpret it as condescending.
"There are only a few players able to complete full sentences"

Geoff, given the way you despise the players is it really surprising that they didn't want to talk to you?
01.23.2013 | Unregistered CommenterBob the Golfer
Nice information about the Revealing 2013 Mandatory Players Meeting for golfers.
01.23.2013 | Unregistered CommenterGolf Courses
That comment from Geoff struck me as odd as well. Waiting for a few hours just to get a bevy of "no comment" from the players I'm sure is frustrating, but not sure it translates into not able to complete full sentences.
01.23.2013 | Unregistered CommenterBrad
I personally love the feather ruffling. Nice job poking fun at a group that takes its collective self way way too seriously. Sounds like a cure for cancer is imminently around the corner?
01.23.2013 | Unregistered CommenterAmen Coroner
Calm down everyone. Geoff's not actually saying all tour pros are dumb. It's satire.

Maybe go find the blog that never makes fun of anyone, and read that instead. I'm sure it'll be really entertaining.
01.23.2013 | Unregistered CommenterBilly Baroo
Well written and funny, I had no idea that No Longer...Convert and the others took themselves so seriously, in spite of their ability to complete full sentences : ) Just funning ya, guys.

IT would seem that Geoff wrote this after a cup or 4 of punch from the wedding reception in the main ballroom- hey, once you are writing a fun run, it is ludicrous to stop. Good stuff, Geoff. Too bad the players had nuthin'.
01.23.2013 | Unregistered Commenterdigsouth
"There are only a few players able to complete full sentences"

C'mon...these guys can talk...I have proof:

"How far we got? See the blonde behind the green next to the TV tower? Gimme a new ball. What's for lunch?"
01.23.2013 | Unregistered CommenterBobby D
Interesting perspective as only the Shack Man can giveth. I personally found the carpet to be neutral and the lighting satisfactory. Players? Speculation is all that can come from those outside the hallowed walls of the players' meeting. I found it engaging, interesting and compelling. Many worms crawling around after this can was opened by the USGA!
01.23.2013 | Unregistered CommenterTed Bishop
Or, a favourite of mine, "I hit the ball good today."

Sounds as if the Independent Contractors were instructed (in words of one syllable) to keep schtum about what went on behind the closed doors, on pain of something not nice. So they come out behaving like a load of cabinet ministers after a raucous caucus about national security, and act as if their trifling commercial interests are that important and that secret.

Time for that other cabinet tradition, a good and substantial leak.
01.23.2013 | Unregistered CommenterPlato
If Tim Clark can make a full swing with the other clubs in his bag, I don't understand how his physical handicap prevents him from using a conventional putter.
01.23.2013 | Unregistered CommenterWill o'the Glen
Tim Clark's physical handicap is what makes him one of the straightest hitters in the game, so why should he get permission to break the rules on the green??? I also have a physical condition (chronic flying right elbow) that prevents me from keeping my drives within the county line, can I get permission to place the ball in the middle of the fairway then?
01.23.2013 | Unregistered CommenterHawkeye
I didn't say it wasn't funny, I just said it was an "interesting portrayal".
Will o', watching Clark last year when he got a bunch of TV time, he was putting from spots off the green where any other Tour player would choose to chip...up steep swales and through heavy fringe, for example. So I think his impediment affects that aspect of his game as well. A quick look at his sand/scrambling stats seems to bear that out.
He does seem to have a singular case/argument. What should be done, I don't know.
01.23.2013 | Unregistered Commenterdbh
Hope that punch didn't have any "whaaang to it"....

" they debuted their best winter flip-flops and shabbiest t-shirts paying homage to the world's off-duty longshoreman..."

That doesn't seem descriptive of a group that's taking itself too seriously, at least not to me anyway.
01.23.2013 | Unregistered CommenterDTF
Wei's column was amazing insight into what happened at the meeting and into what some of the players are thinking. Thanks for linking that Geoff.
01.23.2013 | Unregistered CommenterHilltop
Serious reporting and decent analysis from Wei.
Wei is a sweetie, and good at what she does.
01.23.2013 | Unregistered Commenterdigsouth

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