IM'ing With The Commissioners, Vol. VII

My friends at the NSA have been waiting for LPGA Tour Commissioner Carolyn Bivens to return from the Solheim Cup, knowing that an inevitable instant message chat with the PGA Tour's Tim Finchem would take place after all of the FedEx Cup excitement died down. Previous chats are here, here, here, here, here and here).

twfPGATour©: Carolyn, are you there?

DaBrandLady: hi tim! wow, you never say hi first. what's wrong?

twfPGATour©: Well, the usual stuff.  More importantly, how about that product Sunday?

DaBrandLady: i know, who would have though morgan would beat annika!!!!!!

twfPGATour©:  Oh.

twfPGATour©: No, I meant the conclusion to the PLAYOFFS©

DaBrandLady: oh right. you know i tito'd it and was going to watch it this week after i got caught up.

twfPGATour©: Well it was pretty spectacular, even though Tiger chose not to embrace certain platform dynamics that we had outlined in the witty and truly spectacular FedEx Cup creative that ran in the first quarter of this year.

DaBrandLady: what, he didn't whistle eye of the tiger?

twfPGATour©: No, that was the third quarter creative. I was referring to the ingenious "Who will be the first to kiss the Cup" line from our friends at GDS&M.

DaBrandLady: you mean GSD&M?

twfPGATour©: Right! Always get that mixed up.

DaBrandLady: here's what i think. it's tiger's loss that he didn't embrace the brand momentum! especially since your prediction came true that the events would be "the most impactful series of events in the history of the sport."

twfPGATour©: Thanks Carolyn. Yes, I must say they were pretty special. And thanks for putting that in quotes.

DaBrandLady: anytime. speaking of impactful tim. are you a milk of magnesia man?

twfPGATour©: No, I eat a spinach salad every day when I'm here at headquarters and I really nurse the flax seed oil when I'm on the road. Family history with IBS.

DaBrandLady: you mean ubs? they did some nice stat work for us at the evian masters and we're really hoping to sign them up for an account in the fourth quarter of this year, preferably for something on the domestic schedule.

twfPGATour©: No, no, IBS, irritable bowel syndrome.

DaBrandLady: oh, sorry.

twfPGATour©: Well I've been lucky so far. And thankfully, I'm not one of players, it looks like one of the IBS drugs may be on our banned list.

DaBrandLady: oh how's that coming along tim? i'm anxious to see what you guys do with tetrahydrogestrinone and modafinil.

twfPGATour©: Big announcement Thursday. Email Ty. He'll get you in on the conference call if you'd like.

DaBrandLady: well, good luck with the testosterone issues.

twfPGATour©: I'm not having any problems. Did someone say I was?

DaBrandLady: oh tim, it's always about you!
DaBrandLady: i was talking about the testing for steroids and measuring rises in testosterone levels.

twfPGATour©: We are testing to detect the T/E ratio on testosterone to epitestosterone, drawing the line at 8:1

DaBrandLady: oh no, you have to go 6:1. you also have to subject the urine samples to gas chromatography and mass spectrometry

twfPGATour©: is that where they heat the product to turn it into gases so they can separate and analyze the molecular levels?

DaBrandLady: that's the one. characteristic “signatures” will betray the presence of banned substances every time.

twfPGATour©: Jeese. Most of our guys didn't understand deferred compensation, I can't imagine the player meetings on performance enhancing drugs.

DaBrandLady: but just think tim, this testing does so much for our brand positioning and upward integrity streaming.

twfPGATour©: That's right, just what I told the sponsors in a conference call today.

twfPGATour©: I need to run Carolyn.

DaBrandLady: the UBS acting up?

twfPGATour©: No, but close. Phil Mickelson on line two. Give my best to, uh...

DaBrandLady: he says hi back!